Questions We’d Like to Ask… Malahide Characters

A couple of years ago, Fearless Admin and I wrote about some questions we’d like to ask Mr. Malahide.  Admin recently had the great idea of expanding that notion a little further:  what about questions we’d like to ask Mr. Malahide’s characters?  These would be things only they could answer, or plot points and other things that had been nagging at us, or that sort of thing.  So, without further ado…

RFodchuk:  My questions are…

For Jack Turner (“Hunted“, 2012):

Retrieving the Mysterious Briefcase(tm) from his secret wall safe, which isn't quite so secret any more now. questions we'd like to ask Malahide Characters

Retrieving the Mysterious Briefcase™ from his secret wall safe, which isn’t quite so secret any more..

Oh, Jack.  Jack, Jack, Jack.  What were you thinking??  Why didn’t you get those soil samples analyzed the instant you got your hands on them?  You’re hardly to the type to be trusting of anyone, to the extent that you gave your “friend”, Dave Ryder, a decoy briefcase which ended up getting him killed – which you likely knew it could (hence “friend” in quotation marks).  So why were you so trusting in this situation?  If your entire scheme for ruining Polyhedrus depended on those samples being incriminating, wouldn’t you have made damn sure that they contained what you thought they did?  If they were your ace in the hole, you’d have made sure you were getting what you paid for.  You would never have waited until the last possible moment to have them analyzed, still less by letting them out of your sight to go to an unknown lab; you should at least have insisted on going with the briefcase and/or employing your own expert to supervise and verify the results, in case your opponents pulled a switcheroo on you.  I will set aside, for the moment, the fact that you’d never open up your secret wall safe with other people watching, either.  You didn’t get to be a millionaire crimelord by being careless!

Stephen: "You don't care about water, or the dam... so why did you go to all this trouble?"

Stephen asks what we’re all thinking: “You don’t care about water, or the dam… so why did you go to all this trouble?”

My second question is… why did you waste so much time – and money! – trying to ruin Polyhedrus financially, when we all know you’re a “hands-on” kind of guy?  You embarked on this scheme at considerable time and expense to yourself, engaged in creating mass disasters solely for the purpose of enhancing your stock portfolio so you’d have the money, with any number of points of failure built in along the way, knowing it would take years to complete… when it would’ve been much simpler to just bump off the Polyehedrus executives yourself.  Far more terrifying for them, too.  Since they made it personal by killing Jack Jr. and leaving him mutilated on the riverbank for you to find, why didn’t you make it even more personal in turn?    You could’ve tracked down the Polyhedrus execs and gone after them one by one.  That would be far more your style, as well as quicker, cheaper, and likely far more satisfying for you.  We found out in the course of the show that you were certainly never worried about getting your hands (literally) dirty, so why the elaborate scheme now?  After all, the best way to ensure that something gets done properly is to do it yourself.  Also, that would’ve left fewer opportunities for the Byzantium Spy Kids to mess with your plans – not that anything they did had any impact in the end, anyway.  Least effective covert ops group ever!  Polyhedrus should’ve demanded their money back.

Admin: And my questions are…

For Lord Glendenning (“The Paradise“, 2012):

"Patrick Malahide and Elaine Cassidy"

He should have coughed up the funds for a chaperone.

First, I would like to ask the (allegedly) “late” Lord Glendenning why the heck did he even go to the Continent? OK, I get that his daughter’s heart was broken by Moray’s decision to ditch her at the altar, so sending her to the Continent makes perfect sense. But, that’s where you hire a chaperone.  Surely there was some spare aunt or cousin kicking around who could have kept her company. Plus, just think of how much more satisfying it would be to have the magnificently intimidating Lord G. looming over everybody’s shoulders in the Paradise for the duration of her emotional convalescence. We already knew he got the fee simple, so it would have the perfect opportunity for him to do like Sir Francis Walsingham and tighten the proverbial screws on the lot of them.

Patrick Malahide: Lord Glendenning, The Paradise S01E08

THIS is what we wanted to see more of in series two.  Boy did they get it wrong.

And, of course, we all know what happened in Europe. Lord Glendenning, weakened from a wimpy diet of Continental breakfasts, soft fromage, and luridly coloured liquors, pined away to his death. Like, if he missed his estate and horse so much, why didn’t he just leave Katherine (under the supervision of a responsible adult, of course) and go back home? There was no reason for that exquisite man to die like a lonely dog. It was annoying on so many levels. First of all, I just can’t believe a strapping bloke like Lord G. would go so meekly. It doesn’t fit. Then it left us with the revolting Tom Weston. Vomit!

The show simply fell apart as a result, completely ruining the second series to utter unwatchability. I’ve not known a show collapse so profoundly from one series to the next.  Honestly, the only way RFodchuk and I can handle it is to presume that Lord G. actually faked his own death to get away from the whole wretched lot of them.

What a ranty question that was. 🙂 But, it seems like Jack Turner and Lord G. bring out the keyboard warriors in us. 😉

For Reverend Sorleyson (“December Bride“, 1991):

Giving the Echlins a look.

Did the Reverend Sorleyson  tell Young Sorleyson about his inner torture over the Sarah Gilmartin drama? We know that Sorleyson was weirdly attracted to Sarah, so much so that he nearly assaulted her. His anguish over polyamorous relationship with the Echlin brothers clearly put a massive strain on his life. The situation became so intolerable, that he and his wife were forced to up stakes and find a parish in a “wee, tidy town”.

Years later, his son, “Young Sorleyson” (Peter Capaldi), (who must have been born in the wee, tidy town) went to the old farming community to officiate Sarah’s marriage to Hamilton Echlin, the more stable and suitable brother by far. But, as he was ready to read the rites, Young Sorleyson gives them such a funny look. Is it a look of hatred? I really would love to know what happened after the Sorleysons left and how it affected their young son.

They are like gorgeous father and son funeral directors.

Incidentally, I appreciate how although Peter Capaldi doesn’t really look anything like Patrick Malahide, he still manages to be almost….almost…as gorgeous and gloomy and his old man. Something about lean morose types in bowlers, right? 😉

RF:  And there you have it, questions we’d like to ask Malahide characters.  We’ll likely think of a few more as we go along (plus we enjoy the occasional rant), so stay tuned.  😉

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