Probable Vampires and Vampire Slayers (Played by Patrick Malahide)

It was a dark and stormy night... Vampires and Vampire Slayers Played by Patrick Malahide

It was a dark and stormy night…

We’re rather fond of Halloween here at the Appreciation, and the approaching holiday gives us the perfect opportunity to discuss some of our favourite characters in a more Halloween-y light – that is to say, dark and mysterious, with thunderstorms raging outside and things going bump in the night.  Fearless Admin and I had to work quite a bit to narrow our choices down, but we’ve finally decided on our favourite Probable Vampires and Vampire Slayers played by Mr. Malahide.  Now, keep in mind that they’re only “Probable” because, of course, nothing has been proven conclusively.

Jack Turner  |  Edward Casaubon  |  Mr. Hastymite  |  Asst. Commissioner Henry  |
Sir Hugo Carey-Holden  |  DS Albert Chisholm

RF:  My choices are:

Probable Vampire:

Jack Turner
(“Hunted“, 2012)

Type of Vampire:

Jack Turner: Being spattered with blood is all in a night's work. Probable Vampires and Vampire Slayers Played by Patrick Malahide

Jack Turner: Being spattered with blood is
all in a night’s work

This is a bit tricky as not only does Jack seem to defy qualification as a crimelord, he’d defy it as a vampire as well.  He’d be the type of vampire who wouldn’t care if everyone else knew he was a vampire and was shaking in their boots because of it.  He’d also be the sort of vampire who has a hapless Renfield to clean up his various messes, because he wouldn’t want to be bothered with details like that.  He probably wouldn’t even normally bother to clean up the mess, except that it might attract too much attention to him.

Does He Sparkle?

Peacocking, yes. Sparkling, no.

Peacocking, yes. Sparkling, no.

Oh heck, no!  Haaaa!  Although when he’s not sneaking around wearing all black for his mysterious nighttime errands, he does enjoy bright colours.  But actual sparkling?  No.  Perhaps only in conversation if/when he’s trying to be particularly genial.  I suspect Jack can be completely charming when he wants to be, especially if there’s something in it for him.  He’d be particularly great at wangling an invitation into your house, which is what all vampires want.

Does He Have a Secret Vulnerability (Besides Garlic)?

What overthinking his revenge looks like

What overthinking his revenge looks like

Hmmm.  If Jack has a vulnerability, it’s that he overthinks his schemes just a tad, while underthinking certain key aspects.  For example, he has his revenge against Polyhedrus, the evil, shadowy cabal company that’s out to get him, planned down to a T, when realistically it seems far more likely he’d get better results (and it would be far less expensive and more satisfying for him) to go for a direct approach by just killing the execs one by one.  It’s not like Jack minds getting his hands dirty, so it’s a bit odd that he’d be affected by this type of hubris in insisting on an elaborate plan.  Oh, and he might also have a weakness for fine whisky.

Could He Also Be a Vampire Slayer?

He does some of his best work at night.

He does some of his best work at night.

Oh heck, yes!  Jack would definitely be a vampire slayer.  He’d be the biggest, baddest vampire for miles around and other vampires would be scared to come into his territory because he’d have no qualms about destroying them, even if it meant he had to handle garlic and holy water to do it.  He already seems to be immune to daylight, although he does his best work at night.  And while he was at it, he’d find a way to frame the Polyhedrus execs as vampires, too.

How Evil Is He?

Aw c'mon, he's not <i>that</i> evil.

Aw c’mon, he’s not that evil.

That all depends on your point of view.  I personally thought that Byzantium, the organization hired by Polyhedrus to derail Jack’s revenge plans, was far more evil than Jack actually was, because they cast all their plans in the light of, “Well, we do it for money… but he’s far worse!”  In other words, they tried to portray their actions as somehow morally more acceptable, when they were just as willing to kill innocent bystanders as Jack was, and get paid for it besides.  So… while yes, Jack was pretty ruthless, dangerous, and evil, it’s not like his opponents had the moral high ground.  At least Jack was always more or less honest about what his motives were.  But as vampires go, Jack would be just as evil as he needed to be to ensure his survival – and everyone else’s demise.


Probable Vampire Slayer:

The Rev. Edward Casaubon
(“Middlemarch“, 1994)

Type of Vampire Slayer:

The Rev. Edward Casaubon: Lots of vampire-slaying book-learning, not so much practical experience

The Rev. Edward Casaubon: Lots of vampire-slaying
book-learning, not so much practical experience

A more theoretical one, I think.   Casaubon would know all about vampire slaying from a historical or mythological point of view.  He could write the book on vampire slaying (once he finished the research), but he might be slightly shaky on actually putting anything of what he’s studied into practical use, as well as likely lacking the physical strength.  He also might have a few problems actually accepting what he’s seeing as real until the first victim shows up drained of all their blood.  Mind you, if the first victim was his cousin Will Ladislaw (Rufus Sewell), he’d put off researching vampire slaying for a little while longer.

Could He Be a Vampire?

Easily mistaken for a vampire at first glance

Easily mistaken for a vampire at first glance

Well… Casaubon does have the sort of pale complexion and predilection for all-black clothing, plus some fairly reclusive, indoor-preferring habits, and a huge, Gothic-looking home that looks like it could house more than a few vampires and other otherworldly creatures in its cellars and attics…  And if you see him at a distance striding around in his long, black coat with a serious look on his face, you could easily be forgiven for mistaking him for a vampire…  So in other words, he looks like a vampire, acts like one, and has a home like one, but isn’t actually one.  Which would make him the perfect slayer, if he was up to it.

If He Were a Monster (Other than a Vampire), What Kind of Monster Would He Be?

The Phantom of the Library

The Phantom of the Library

Hmmm.  It’s a bit on the nose, but I’d say Casaubon would be a phantom – because then he could haunt libraries to his heart’s content, and he’d never have to leave at closing time.  He could spend all his time in the stacks, freaking out the poor junior librarians by moving books around.  He’d never have to worry about pesky things like stopping for lunch, or if his wife Dorothea (Juliet Aubrey) was expecting him home at a certain hour.  He could spend eternity researching without ever having to publish anything, and he’d love that.

Could He Befriend a Vampire?

"I live too much with the dead, perhaps."

“I live too much with the dead, perhaps.”

Yes, I think he could.  He’d be fascinated to get the vampire’s take on the way things were hundreds of years ago, and all the rites and customs associated with being a vampire.  He’d be an incredibly receptive audience for everything the vampire could tell him.  He might also suggest that if the vampire is peckish, he might find Will Ladislaw a more enjoyable snack than he, Casaubon, would be.  And a vampire would be unlikely to find Casaubon’s blood that appetizing, since it’s a little on the dry and dusty side, “all semicolons and parentheses“.  Plus early in their relationship, Casaubon makes a point of telling Dorothea that he “live[s] too much with the dead”, which he could mean literally as well as metaphorically.  😉  However, as Admin has suggested, there’s a very real danger that Casaubon might bore a vampire into dust with all his questions before he ever finishes his research!

How Noble Is He?

He's not a bad guy - he just needs a little work.

He’s not a bad guy – he just needs a little work.

Casaubon’s pursuit of knowledge is very noble indeed – but he’s a little less certain of himself when it comes to putting things into practice, as mentioned.  So we shouldn’t be looking for a Practical Guide to Vampire Identification and Extermination to come from him in the near future.  And when it comes to his own affairs, Casaubon does tend to be somewhat insular, self-absorbed, and a little selfish, with an inability to communicate properly thrown in.  So while his ideals may be lofty, his actions need some work.  But hey, a vampire roaming around might provide some unexpected incentive.


Admin:  And my picks are…

Probable Vampire:

Mr. Hastymite
(“The December Rose“, 1986)

Type of Vampire:

She’s put her hand on his chest — and in a church too!!  How did he not burst into flames?

Very much your traditional, classical Victorian “vampyre”. I think both RFodchuk and I will always be mystified as to how he managed to attend church without bursting into flames. Not only that, he also flirted rather openly with his best friend (in as much as someone like Mr. Hastymite can have a best friend) Lord Hobart’s (John Quarmby) wife. But, his impressive fireproofing abilities aside, Mr. Hastymite would be the perfect vampire for roaming the streets of Victorian London. His dashing evening wear, smooth pale skin, and general aura of supernatural malevolence all scream VAMPYRE, and we appreciate him for it.

Does He Sparkle?

He prefers the matte look.

Certainly not! He has a lovely deathly pallor to maintain and there is no way he’s going muss that up by looking like he’s been taking highlighting tips for Instagram selfies from a Kardashian. Can vampires even take selfies? Anyway, as mentioned above, he likes the traditional evening wear attire, so he wears mostly black and white with only a dash of colour for his neatly tied cravat. He looks every inch the conservative gentleman and is far too dignified to sparkle like a Twilight dweeb.

Does He Have a Secret Vulnerability (Besides Garlic)?

This did not end well for Hastymite.

Avarice!  A love of money encourages Mr. Hastymite to go all out in the procurement of it. Eventually, he pushes things far too far by tricking an Inspector Creaker (Ian Hogg) into doing terrible things just so Hastymite and his associate can profit.

That is when we find out Hastymite’s other secret vulnerability: Getting blown up. If he had used his government position far more sparingly, perhaps only against those he actually did perceive as enemies of the Realm, he still would have a boatload of cash rather than being blown to pieces in one.

Could He Also Be a Vampire Slayer?

A vampire and his thrall?

No, not really. Vampire slaying is both extremely hard and downright filthy work, and Mr. Hastymite enjoys neither. I could see him acquiring a thrall, which in some ways is pretty much what Inspector Creaker was, and sending that poor soul out to do his dirty work. If any vampires got in his territory without his express permission, he’d have no hesitation in sending such a thrall out for some slaying. But, as for himself, Mr. Hastymite is far too adverse of getting his own hands dirty to take such risky measures himself.

How Evil Is He?

He doesn’t look at all sinister.

Pretty much 100% pure unadulterated Evil. He is so Evil it really does require capitalization. Every time I hear the Voltaire song “When You’re Evil” I think of Hastymite, except Hastymite does nothing for free. Honestly, he had an innocent young Russian woman killed for her valuable locket, then he used that to con her father into thinking she might still be alive in order to secure even more funds. Then when a little chimney sweep accidentally stole the locket, he ordered an actual hit on the little chap.

He doesn’t do any of this for his own survival because he is already very well off. He just wants more money and actually gets a malicious sense of enjoyment out of it all. He has innocent people murdered for both profit and, twisted as it is, amusement. I think he also gets a kick out tricking the dull-witted Inspector Creaker into doing these things. Frankly, Mr. Hastymite transcends Evil into the absolutely perverse. He’s still entertaining as hell, which is fitting since that is where he belongs.


Probable Vampire Slayer:

Assistant Commissioner Henry
(“The Secret Agent“, 1994)

Type of Vampire Slayer:

Patrick Malahide in The Secret Agent

What a vampire-slaying government official might look like. Nice fedora!

Oh my, he’d actually be the best kind. He’d be one of those steam punk alt-history Victorian special police force operatives who work secretly (or maybe openly, depending on the story) to save London from all the dark and malevolent forces that go bump in the night. Having served Her Majesty in Africa, doing work he found significantly more fulfilling and energizing, he would have a uniquely international understanding of all the differing types of creepies and ghoulies that might be found in late-Victorian London. And with his careful and deliberate manner, he would be the perfect operative to dispatch (often without any “slaying” or violence whatsoever) those ghoulies whilst raising not one iota of suspicion amoung the masses. They’d never know how close Count Orlok came to taking over Westminster as they innocently nibble on their jellied eels.

Could He Be a Vampire?

Patrick Malahide in The Secret Agent

The cat on the left is more vampish.

Not especially. I mean, he could technically be a vampire if he were properly transformed, but he’s not particularly likely to be a vampire. He certainly wouldn’t choose it. Henry is just too human to be a vampire. He seems to enjoy life for what it is. Granted, he is easily bored and wants more in the way of challenges, but he still strikes me as someone who wants to live properly and not forever. Appearance-wise he would make a very adequate vampire, but even there he falls considerably short of his nemesis the appropriately named Mr. Vladimir (Peter Capaldi). Now that one really looks like a vampire. And there is no way Vlad would turn Henry into a vampire because he can’t stand the guy 😀 So, technically, yes, but spiritually, no.

If He Were a Monster (Other than a Vampire), What Kind of Monster Would He Be?

Patrick Malahide in The Secret Agent

He knows how to adapt to the situation.

Again, he doesn’t strike me as monstrous, but he is unusually adaptable. He adjusts to whatever situation he is in. I’m sure that is why he was a success in Africa and continued to be so back in London. He alters his manner slightly but effectively to get the most out of whatever interaction he is having. He is charm itself with the ladies, but not in a sly or creepy manner. He is earnest while slowly gaining the respect of the dour and suspicious Inspector Heat. And his compassion rings true when dealing with the pathetic Verloc (David Suchet) and his anxious wife.  Therefore, I think he would make a very good shape-shifting being. But, he wouldn’t be “monstrous” because there is nothing monstrous about Henry. If he were able to shape-shift, he would only use it in the capacity of his work and for the common good.

Could He Befriend a Vampire?

Patrick Malahide in The Secret Agent

He’s a generally friendly guy.

I think he could befriend a good vampire, or at the very least work with one. Henry seems the sort who is willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. So, if one of his co-workers or maybe a secret informant were also a vampire, I’m sure he would be alright with that. That said, Henry isn’t really into casual friendships, so it would have to be a pretty special vampire to earn that sort of status . He seems to genuinely like the Duchess of Chester (Janet Suzman), but she is a very remarkable woman. Of course, being so beautiful and regal, she’d make a great vampire herself. So, yes, he could. Henry is no bigot.

How Noble Is He?

Patrick Malahide in The Secret Agent

Mostly noble, but a touch crafty.

He is pretty noble. He is always looking for the least violent solution and prefers to work subtly so as not to cause panic. But, you do get the feeling that he is rather ambitious. Perhaps just a wee bit too ambitious to be truly 100% noble. While he doesn’t want the regular civilians to know what he does, I’m sure he likes for his superiors to know just how hard working and effective he is. What he might not want for them to know, however, is just how clever he is. So, he’s ambitious, but not too obvious about it. That suggests sneakiness, which isn’t all that noble. But, in favor of the noble stuff, he wants to see as few people harmed as possible, even ones who might actually be enemies of the Realm. So, with Henry I would say he’s a good 85% Noble knocked back by that 15% deduction for Cunning. 🙂


And Two(!) Honourable Mentions:

Unlikeliest Vampire:

Sir Hugo Carey-Holden
(“Lovejoy:  The Italian Venus“, 1991)

Sir Hugo has some vampiric instincts, but isn't so great on the follow-through

Sir Hugo has some vampiric instincts,
but isn’t so great on the follow-through

RF:  That honour has to go to Sir Hugo Carey-Holden.  He seems to have some of the right instincts for a vampire, but he spends too much time sleeping, both during the day and at night, to truly be an effective one.  He’s pretty good at singling out prey when they show up to one of his wife Flickers’ (Celia Imrie) parties, but he doesn’t seem to know how to follow through.  So alas, Sir Hugo would not make a very effective vampire.

 

Patrick Malahide: Lovejoy, The Italian Venus

He has some vampire tendencies.

Admin:  Absolutely.  Sir Hugo is the sort of gentleman who at first glance seems as though he would make an excellent vampire, but he just doesn’t come through.  He doesn’t even appreciate the historical and aesthetic value of his family art collection.  A proper vampire would never stop gloating over having such a gorgeous archive and not just because of the monetary value.

But, he does have some superficial vampire-esque qualities.  I think if he really were to put his mind to it, he could make a darn good vampiric hypnotist.  He seems to have a mystical way of making people back up when he approaches them.  But that might just be the booze breath doing that.

Unlikeliest Vampire Slayer:

DS Albert Chisholm
(“Minder“, 1979-1988)

Vampires, again?? Those blood-sucking villains!

Vampires, again?? Those blood-sucking villains!

RF:  I think that DS Chisholm would make the unlikeliest, yet possibly surprisingly effective, vampire slayer.  He’s seen enough on the streets of London that there isn’t much that’s likely to phase him, and he occasionally betrays an interest in history and literature that suggests folklore might not be outside of his purview.  He was able to hold his own in a dust-up with an ice-pick wielding baddie, so why not a vampire?  It could be the weekend hobby he never tells anyone about.

About Daley: “He’s a monster.”

Admin: Dear Chisholm.  He is just a little too rooted in reality to be a serious vampire-slayer contender.  But, he does have the requisite tenacity and appreciation for research and detail.  That stuff about him being rooted in reality said, I think he might be prepared to believe his eternal nemesis Arthur Daley is a vampire.  In “Waiting for Goddard” Chisholm is told that Daley is suspected of kidnapping “some inoffensive old buffer” for his possible legacy.  Chisholm, initially skeptical until he learns Daley is the suspect, describes him as “a monster”.  I think at that very moment, he’d have had no problem driving a stake through the old spiv’s heart. 😀

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