Goth Guys (Played by Patrick Malahide)

As with most of our ideas, this one sprang from a conversation Fearless Admin and I were having about Gothic characters, when we realized that a number of Mr. Malahide’s characters – more than we initially thought – shared what could be called “Gothic” characteristics.   So, here are a few Goth Guys who’ve been portrayed by Patrick Malahide.

Magnus  |  The Rev. Edward Casaubon  |  Uncle Ebenezer  |  Mr. Hastymite  |
Who’s the Gothiest of Them All?


Magnus
(The One Game, 1988)

Type of Goth:

He insists you read all the rules before even starting one of his games. Goth Guys Played by Patrick Malahide

He insists you read all the rules
before even starting one of his games.

RF:  Level 10 Magic User.  Or something like that.  I admit I didn’t read all of those rule books he wrote for his game.  But that could get dangerous, since Magnus is something of a stickler for the rules, especially when he’s the one making them.  Also, he’s about as dark, brooding, and dangerous as a guy can get.

What Proves He’s a Goth?

Living it up in Gothic style

Living it up in Gothic style

RF:  He likes role-playing games and takes them very seriously.  As a matter of fact, he takes most things seriously, even his jokes.   He does magic, has a mysterious past, a fondness for an all-black wardrobe (including black leather), rides a motorcycle, lives in a mansion that could double as a murder mystery setting (as a matter of fact, a couple of murders take place there while we watch), obtains his money in questionably legal ways but likes to live in high style, has a fondness for medieval cosplay and Arthurian legends, has his own set of henchmen, makes up full-size cardboard stand-ups of his enemies for his henchmen’s target practice, and never, *EVER* forgets a wrong done to him.  He’s also very moody and broody and quite willing to plan elaborate, convoluted revenge scenarios that will take months, or even years, to fulfill.  As I said, he takes everything very seriously.

What Does He Read and/or Listen To?

Escaping a watery death

Escaping a watery death

RF:  He’d read The Count of Monte Cristo, but he’d likely think Edmond Dantés was a dabbling amateur when it came to revenge.  But then again, he might sympathize since Dantés was imprisoned in the supposedly escape-proof Château d’If, only managing to escape by faking his own death and surviving a burial at sea. Magnus uses a similar tactic to escape the insane asylum into which he’d committed himself – which raises the question as to why he couldn’t simply sign himself out once he was well – but never mind that now.  As for musical tastes, I suspect Magnus might prefer classical music like “Danse Macabre” by Saint-Saëns.

Does He Live in a Goth Dwelling?

Looks spooky enough to be Gothic

Looks spooky enough to be Gothic

RF:  Two Goth dwellings, if you count the insane asylum.  Magnus’ house is large, sumptuous, decorated in a pseudo-medieval style, and just a bit spooky for being uninhabited for the nine years he was away.  However, his pair of large, ferocious, but well-trained Alsatians protected it all that time, which just makes it even more Gothic.  Magnus also looks quite at home in the medieval castle he rents for one of his showier games with Nick; he’d probably feel comfortable making that into a vacation cottage.

What Does He Buy Online?

One of Magnus' online purchases?

One of Magnus’ online purchases?

RF:  If he had access to the internet, I suspect Magnus might advertise for his henchmen on Craigslist, and those full-size cardboard cutouts of Nick Thorne have to come from somewhere.  Other than that, he’d probably buy a copy of No Bad Dogs by Barbara Woodhouse or Undumped: Get Your Ex Back Today (I know, I didn’t think that would be a real book, either!  😀 ).  Or possibly How to Torment Your Ex-Business Partner for Fun and Profit  (okay, that one I made up).  Since Magnus is supposed to be dead, he’d have to make all these purchases pseudonymously, but I suspect he’s rather good at identity theft.

What is His Most Un-Goth Secret?

"Yeah, I swear you can get internet with it."

“Yeah, I swear you can get internet with it.”

RF:  Magnus is probably secretly fond of playing “Candy Crush” and spends a ton of time on Facebook, leaving positive reviews of his own role-playing games but trashing Sorcerer, Nick Thorne’s company.  😉  Oh, and he probably has a Tumblr where he posts especially unflattering photos or video clips of Nick and makes up snarky captions for them.

 


The Rev. Edward Casaubon
(Middlemarch, 1994)

Type of Goth:

His blood is filled with semicolons and parentheses.

His blood is filled with semicolons and parentheses.

RF:  Brooding, Introverted, Overly Studious Clergyman.  Has been accused of having blood filled with semicolons and parentheses, when it was examined under a microscope.  Also has been accused of not being the most entertaining sort of dinner guest and noisy soup-eating.

What Proves He’s a Goth?

You can tell he's a Goth from clear across the street

You can tell he’s a Goth from clear across the street

RF:  The first thing Casaubon says at the aforementioned dinner party are that he “lives too much with the dead”.  He’s referring to his scholarly studies, but it’s easy to believe he could mean it literally.  It’s worth noting that Dorothea, who’s just meeting him for the first time, finds this wildly intriguing.  Casuabon lives in a mostly empty, somewhat rundown but formerly sumptuous house by himself, having inherited it after his elder brother’s death, but I’ll avoid suggesting he might’ve helped his brother along.   Once married, he ignores his wife in favour of his studies, while still being jealous of his much younger, curly-topped cousin Will Ladislaw; if Middlemarch were a Gothic horror movie, Will would be one of the first to die in some supremely ironic fashion.  Casaubon also has a  somewhat old-fashioned… make that vintage… vampiric-looking black wardrobe, spends most of his time in libraries, and possesses a huge amount of excruciatingly detailed knowledge about lots of obscure deities and mythology, occult rituals, and dead languages.  Like Magnus, he also takes himself very seriously.

What Does He Read and/or Listen To?

Doing a little light reading

Doing a little light reading

RF:  So many books it’s impossible to list them all!  Casaubon will read anything and everything pertaining to his own specialized area of study, which is basically the development and similarity of mythologies around the world.  For a clergyman, he’s remarkably interested in pagan deities and occult matters – which also makes him that much more Gothic.  As for music, I suspect he’d prefer quiet, mathematically precise classical, like Bach (all the better for soothing his brain while he works), although he’d consider doing nothing but listening to music to be a tremendous waste of time when he could be doing more studying.

Does He Live in a Goth Dwelling?

Definitely suitably Gothic-looking

Definitely suitably Gothic-looking

RF:  Oh my, yes.  As mentioned, Casaubon inherits Lowick and all of its surrounding properties (which are extensive – he’s not a poor clergyman by any means) after his older brother’s death.  He hasn’t changed a thing since his parents’ time, and it shows.  Lowick is huge, echoing, and convincingly moss-speckled on its exterior.  It probably has loads of ghosts hanging around, but Casaubon is always too busy reading to notice them.

What Does He Buy Online?

"What is this 'Paypal'?"

“What is this ‘Paypal’?”

RF:  Casaubon would be so delighted at the almost limitless capacity of the internet to provide him with obscure documents that it would be months, if not years, before he finally realized it could be used for something besides research.  He’d probably have to be reminded to eat and sleep occasionally!  Then he’d set about scanning and uploading all of his notebooks so they could be preserved for posterity with a certain amount of fussing over proper format and how they should be best organized, while checking obsessively to see if any other clergymen are accessing them for their research and contemplating password-protecting them.  That would take at least a year or two, and allow him to keep avoiding writing The Key to All Mythologies.  Then, he might belatedly buy a copy of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, although he’d take great care to hide it from Dorothea.  If he also found books on how to encourage freeloading cousins to get a haircut, get real jobs, and leave your wife alone, he’d order those, too.

What Is His Most Un-Goth Secret?

RF:  I think Casaubon’s most un-Goth secret could be that he secretly appreciates poetry – love poetry, at that, of the most frivolous kind – and has secretly written any number of mash notes to Dorothea featuring his own poems.  But he’s always torn them up before she can see them, since he finds expressing that kind of emotion incredibly frightening.  He also might find writing under a pseudonym to be incredibly liberating, because then any bad reviews of his work wouldn’t reflect badly on him.  But first he’d have to actually commit to writing something.


Admin:  And my choices

Uncle Ebenezer
(Kidnapped , 1995)

Type of Goth:

Patrick Malahide as Uncle Ebenezer : Kidnapped

“I’m a bit of a throwback.”

Admin:  Bohemian Goth.   He favors a rustic look and an even more rustic lifestyle.  He’s a vegetarian, believes in the recycle/reuse/repurpose ways, and doesn’t mind wearing clothes that have been hanging around for a while.  He doesn’t even shake out the dustmites.

What Proves He’s a Goth?:

Admin:  His incredible solitude.  His collection of dusty, old books.  He isn’t the most glamorous of Goths, but he sure does love his candles.   And while he is generally painfully shy when he gussies up a bit and goes out on the town, he shows a more confident, flirtatious side.  He’d do brilliantly at the Goth clubs if the drinks weren’t so over-priced.

What Does He Read and/or Listen To?:

Counting is totally Goth.

Counting is totally Goth.

Admin:  Ebenezer isn’t really big into reading since he seems to prefer counting coins (the only shiny things in his home).  But, he did admit that at least one of his religious books was pretty good.  Of course, he’d have to read a little bit of Robert Louis Stephenson.  That guy could spin a good Gothic yarn. 😉  As for music, I think his tastes are probably more bohemian than Goth.  He probably likes some Jethro Tull or Thin Lizzy.   Those guys share his sartorial style too.

Does He Live in a Goth Dwelling?

Patrick Malahide as Uncle Ebenezer : Kidnapped

Yeah, I’d say that’s Goth.

Admin:  Oh, absolutely.  It really couldn’t be more Goth if it tried.  It is a crumbling wreck of a place, but it somehow manages to be chic about it.  The ivy and moss on the wall are very fetching, and the wormwood riddled structures give it a dangerous edge.  He even takes the time to make it even more Goth while his nephew Davy is staying there.  Uncle Ebenezer is completely committed to his style.

What Does He Buy Online?

Admin:  He’s a miser.  He doesn’t buy anything online.  He doesn’t even have an internet connection, so he just makes use of the free one at the library.  And there he only reads Craig’s List and Freecycle to glom free stuff, and then he posts to Yahoo Answers about how to get rid of unwanted relatives.

What Is His Most Un-Goth Secret?

Patrick Malahide as Uncle Ebenezer : Kidnapped

“That Goldilocks knew what was good.”

Admin:  His all-time favorite story is actually Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  It makes sense, though.  Goldilocks is a master at getting free stuff, and she likes porridge almost as much as he does.  Plus, cute bears!  Come on, Baby Bear is the cutest. 😉


Mr. Hastymite
(The December Rose, 1986)

Type of Goth:

Admin:  Mr. Hastymite is the perfect  example of the classic Victorian Vampiric Goth.  He is the Goth that all other Goths measure their gothiness by.  He is so Gothic he makes Peter Murphy feel like a potato faced schlub.

What Proves He’s a Goth?:

but the boy, he must be found, Inspector.

Mr. Hastymite: Not only can his cheekbones cut glass, but his sideburns can also.

Admin:  You’d think his cheekbones would serve as proof enough, but Mr. Hastymite goes all out.  He collects priceless pieces of jewelry and artifacts, generally by having their previous owners murdered by his own private police man.  Yep, his own private police man.  Mr. Hastymite is manipulative almost to the point of the hypnotic.  Oh, and like a good chap, he goes to Church, but he acts like he’s too-cool-for-school and oh-so above it all while he flirts with the ladies which is pretty Goth of him.

What Does He Read and/or Listen To?:

If Dickens and Poe had collaborated.

If Dickens and Poe had collaborated.

Admin:  Well, he’d be a big fan of the classics: Dickens and Poe.  The only thing is he tends to read those from the villains’ perspectives, so he thinks of them more as guide books than literature.  He reads Oliver Twist and decides forcing young urchins to steal for you isn’t so much a  moral failing as it is a damn good idea.  And he probably reads Poe to unwind.  Could you imagine Mr. Hastymite narrating The Raven?  Well, RFodchuk and I could — and wish Patrick Malahide himself would give it a try. 😉  I’m sure Mr. Hastymite would love Mr. Malahide’s rendition of Masque of the Red Death.  As for music, he’d have The 99 Darkest Pieces of Classical Music on loop, of course.

Does He Live in a Goth Dwelling?

We're dealing with cunning inviduals. Spies, socialists, anarchists (oh my)

“Why, no, Dr. Jekyll hasn’t been at the club for a while; I heard he’s hanging out with that foreign Nemo chappie.”

Admin:  Honestly, no one knows where Mr. Hastymite lives.  He seems to spend most of his time crashing at his friend Lord Hobart’s house which is a pretty Goth thing to do.  While there, he presumably sleeps with his best friend’s wife.  But, he’s so cool, I doubt Hobart would ever throw him out for it.   Hobart’s place isn’t particularly Gothic which is kind of disappointing, but Hastymite also spends a fair bit of time at his gentlemen’s club which is totally Gothic.  If I learned anything from watching far too much television, it’s that ALL Victorian gentlemen’s clubs were very Gothic.  It’s like a rule or something.

What Does He Buy Online?

Off for a late night adventure.

“What these things? I got them off a girl called ‘Medusa DeMort’ on Etsy.”

Admin:  Well, he probably has a pretty good racket *selling* jewelry online.  He’d have one heck of an Etsy page.  And, of course, he’d buy off Etsy.  That site is crammed full of steam-punk accessories, home made frock coats, top hats, walking sticks,  patchouli based oils, and, most importantly, absinthe scented shaving soap.

What Is His Most Un-Goth Secret?

Admin:  He runs a bat sanctuary for the care and well being of little orphaned bats.  That’s right.  Hastymite is so Goth that even his Un-Goth secret is Goth.  But, hey, he’s actually nice to the bats.  Bat snuggling is practically Hippiesville for that guy.


Who’s the Gothiest of Them All?

Our Pick: Mr. Hastymite, Gothiest of Them All!

Our Pick: Mr. Hastymite, Gothiest of Them All!

RF:  Well, they’re all very Goth in their own ways… but I’d have to go with Mr. Hastymite.  As Admin says, even his Most Un-Goth Secret is Goth, and if you looked up “Goth” in a dictionary, you’d probably find a picture of him – assuming he shows up on film, that is.  But anyone who looks that much like a vampire either in or out of evening clothes, is that pale without having done prison time, and can achieve such perfection in his sideburns  without being able to see himself in a mirror must be the Gothiest.

Admin:  I agree — it *has* to be Mr. Hastymite.  I wonder how he gets those sideburns so nicely groomed if he casts no reflection?  He probably gets great deals from his barber chum Sweeney Todd. 😉

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