Patrick Malahide as D.S. Chisholm in From Fulham With Love

They don't need no stickin' search warrants.

Chisholm doing what he does best

DS Chisholm time! Oh, it should always be Chisholm time. S06E05: From Fulham with Love is a very funny episode, and Patrick Malahide really shows his comedic chops.

The title is a gag based on From Russia with Love. The basic plot concerns Arthur’s dodgy dealings with a Russian sailor named Sergei. Arthur sells him a bunch of his goods, but Sergei pays him with rubles. Hilarity ensues when Arthur realizes he can’t exchange them for pound sterling. To make matters worse, Sergei is attempting to defect, which puts the ship’s bosun (boatswain) Natasha, played by Rula Lenska and Rula Lenska’s hair, on Arthur’s tail.

Meanwhile, Arthur is forced to hire his skinhead nephew, a “cretin” (according to Chisholm) named Nigel. Please remember that Nigel is from ’er indoors’ side of the family and is no true kith and kin to Arthur.

Good Grief, It’s Cheerful Charlie Brown

 "Not trying to take the piss are we, sonny?"

Fetching brown ensemble.

Chisholm, with Jones in tow, makes one of his lovely stoat-like entrances made even more stoat-like by his fetching all brown ensemble.  He looks smashing in his classic (or is it just old fashioned?) trilby and sweater vest.  I guess he’d call it a sleeveless jumper.  At any rate, he looks very classic and good.

Not looking so good is Nephew Nigel who greets our heroes with a chipper, “Hello John, you looking for a new motor?” Chisholm can only respond with a disgusted and bemused “good grief!”  Nigel calls everybody “John” for some reason.  I don’t know if it is purely a Nigel-ism, a regional thing, or a habit among skinheads, but it gets annoying.  Nigel himself is repellant with his Hitler t-shirt and swastika tattooed on his forehead.  Later Arthur forces him to wear a corn plaster to cover up the offending tat.  So funny. 🙂

“Who or what is that?”  Terry tells Chisholm that Nigel is family, Arthur’s family to be exact. What Chisholm really wants to know is where Arthur is.  Terry is about as helpful as a brick wall.  He does, at least, have the time and Chisholm takes a particular interest in his “kettle” (slang for “watch”).  Watches are a sort of sub-plot to the episode, but I won’t fuss over the details.  Just know that Chisholm is interested in dodgy watches.

Before leaving, they are accosted by Nigel once more.  He finally twigged they are “old bill”, and he tells them he’d like to join the force. He’s “dead handy with the boots” it seems.  Charming. “Not trying to take the piss are we, Sonny?”  Chisholm really knows how to relate with Britain’s youth.

Chisholm: "What a boil on the backside of humanity." Jones: "Aye... Who'd have thought that Arthur would have a skinhead for a nephew."

Should have had their own show. I can almost hear a theme tune.

As they leave, Chisholm and Jones have a great conversation.  Chisholm: “A boil on the backside of humanity.” Jones: “Aye.  Who’d have thought that Arthur would have a skinhead for a nephew.” Chisholm: “Let me enlighten you Jones, almost any anti-social misfit is a candidate for Daley’s kith, kin, and companion.”

Those two are so good together; they really are.  Chisholm’s hyper intensity and Jones more laid back approach blend together very nicely indeed.

!!!OY!!!

Chisholm and Jones catch up with Arthur at the lockup to casually ransack the place. Arthur threatens to get all litigious on them, but Chisholm just talks right over him: “Shut it, Arthur…boring, tedious claptrap.” Search warrants?  Our boys don’t need no stinkin’ search warrants.  “Tell him, will you , Jones.” Jones tells him: “Warants are a time consuming formality, Arthur. We simply tell any magistrate any damn thing we like, and they’ll sign on the dotted….no question.”

 "Oh dear, oh dear."

“Oh dear, oh dear.”

Chisholm continues his upheaval of Daley’s stock by accidentally-on purpose ripping a sweatshirt’s seams. “Oh dear, oh dear,” he laughs.  “I should have a word with your suppliers.” “Rip-off,” quips Jones.  Chisholm is actually impressed with that, “Oh! Very good Jones.”  Chisholm is so very fetching when he’s feeling frisky.

The joyful scene is interrupted by Nigel arriving in a motor, with a dodgy parcel, playing his loud music.  Arthur manages to hide the parcel under the car seat before Chisholm notices it.  When Terry tries to move the motor out of the way, Chisholm lets out the best “OY!” in television history.  It may be the best “OY!” in any history.  It is such a terrifying “OY!” that Terry immediately shuts off that motor.  Of course, Chisholm doesn’t find anything because he doesn’t think to look under the car seat that Daley was just hovering over.  Oh, Chisholm! 🙁

He at least hassles Terry into lifting the car boot.  Terry asks Jones how he can stand it.  “Celtic willpower and a morbid fear of unemployment.”  What nonsense. I’m sure he’s just feeding Terry a line.  Taff loves his Guv’ner.

Chisholm takes his frustrations out on Nigel, insisting he bring his license, documents and auto insurance to the nick.  Yeah, that’s going to backfire.

A Mousey Grass

Intimidates the mousey grass.

Intimidates the mousey grass.

There is a neat little scene in a tea shop where Chisholm meets Jones’ very mousey and useless grass.  He’s supposed to be helping them with the watches, but he is hopeless.  Chisholm: “This is your bottomless pit of information, is it? Deep Gob!” Jones’ excuse is that “the quality of grassing isn’t what it used to be, what with the judges giving them porridge these days.”

Chisholm brings on the menace, complete with a scary nostril flare, “A name you low-life, or any gas meters outstanding on our walks will be fitting you nicely, if you take my meaning.” The aggression is followed seamlessly by him calmly asking the waitress for “another cup of tea, love, please.”  What a great moment.  Chisholm is sarcastic and intimidating, but he follows it up with a gentle request for tea.

 Nigel at the Nick

Nigel brings his papers in, but is under the impression he is to turn them into Chisholm personally.  Chisholm, who seems to be on another tea break, is well put out of joint.  I’ve got to mention his red sweater vest because red is totally his color.  Not that Chisholm would be sort to worry about colors.

Gives Nigel a scary look.

Gives Nigel a scary look.

Nigel starts on about joining the force again with the caveat he can wear his “D.M’s”.  Chisholm just looks scarier and scarier until he finally snaps and tells the desk Sargent to arrest the lout.  Finally Chisholm just snags Nigel by the elbow and arrests him himself.  He doesn’t even slosh his tea!

After leaving Nigel to stew a bit, Chisholm starts his interrogation: “You don’t like being locked up, do you, *Lad*?” I love the way talks to Nigel. 🙂  At any rate, he learns that Arthur has been selling goods, which may or may not include watches, to a Russian.

Brief Exhilaration

Daley, Terry, Sergei, Natasha, and two other Russians meet up to hash things out.  Sergei wants to stay, but the rest of the Russians convince him (with only minor threats) to go back with them.  Daley, meanwhile, is waving his rubles around demanding his money back.  Chisholm  calmly sneaks up behind him and snatches them away.  Where did he come from?  🙂 He decides to arrest the lot of them, including the bosun and her hair.

Aaawww, distressed jaw clench.

Aaawww, distressed jaw clench.

Poor Chisholm.  He gets a chewing out from the Inspector, and he just has to take it.  He tries to calmly explain the situation, but is shouted over.   Mr. Malahide works the scene perfectly with painful looking jaw clenches.  You can feel his pain.  He nearly gets Arthur, who is always up to no good, but his timing is never quite right.

Couple of Tidbits: Meic Povey and Rula Lenska

"Another cup of tea, love, if you please!"

Celtic guys socializing.

There is a really nice Meic Povey interview where he discusses working with Patrick Malahide: “A joy. Pat (Malahide) and myself became very close. Both Celts I suppose. We socialised a lot outside work.

No wonder they have such good chemistry!  Mr. Povey doesn’t seem to be in acting these days, but he is doing very well as a writer.

Another neat thing is Rula Lenska’s involvement.  She was married to Dennis Waterman at the time.  But, what I think is even more interesting is what I learned from RFodchuk, who unlike a certain Mousey Grass, really is a fount of information: Rula Lenska did Alberto V05 commercials!  “I”m Ruuuulllla Lenska.” 🙂  Click here to see one.

 

Gallery, Courtesy of RFodchuk:

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2 Responses to Patrick Malahide as D.S. Chisholm in From Fulham With Love

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