Malahide Characters We’d Like to Date (Who’d Make Awful Boyfriends)

So I was roaming the internet late one night when I happened across this post and was inspired.  What characters of Mr. Malahide’s are out there that we’d like to date, even though we know (with some certainty) that they’d make awful boyfriends?  Admin and I have narrowed it down to a select few.  In no particular order:

Derek “Chopper” Hadley  |  Ebenezer Balfour  |  Mr. Hastymite  |  Balon Greyjoy  |
D.S. Albert Chisholm  |  Who’s the Most Awful?

Derek “Chopper” Hadley
(New Tricks, “Diamond Geezers“, 2006)

Who Is He?

Chopper Hadley:  He's very nice as long as you stay on his good side.  Malahide Characters Who'd Make Awful Boyfriends

Chopper Hadley: He’s very nice as long as you stay on his good side.

RF:  Devoted family man and medium-sized crim.  Amateur gemologist and fine lumberjacking and woodworking tools aficionado.  Does a little dabbling in real estate.  Has a neat nickname.

Admin:  He’s the best son a father could wish for.  A chip off the old block and a diamond geezer in his own right.

RF:  That’s right.  Chopper seemed to know his old dad wouldn’t resent being dug up at all, if it meant pulling off one last diabolical stroke.  😉

Admin:  I just love that phrase “diabolical stroke”. Chopper has a way with words.

Current Occupation:

RF:  Convicted felon and literal axe murderer, unfortunately.  Not really his fault, though.  He’d have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling UCOS guys!

Admin:  Pity really, he’d make an excellent estate agent.

Why Would You Date Him in the First Place?

A charmer with the ladies

A charmer with the ladies

RF:  Uhmm…  Lessee…  He dresses well and can be quite charming and personable when he’s in the mood for it.  He’s got a great sense of humour, a lovely smile, tons of money, likes the good things in life,  and would doubtless show a girl an entertaining time.  He might even take you to his villa in Spain, providing there weren’t any warrants currently out for his arrest or anything like that.

Admin:  He respects his step-mother even though she’s orange and not even  half his age.  That has to be a good sign.  I’m not keen on the ear jewelry, but he works it well.  His accent is fetching, and he has a great smile.

His Secret Passion/Hobby/Weakness?

Chopper's little chopper.

Chopper’s little chopper.

RF:  Not sure if it’s that much of a secret, but he did seem rather devoted to always having a hatchet on his person,  in a nice, small, portable size for ease of carrying and use, and he did seem to like showing it off to the ladies.  Kind of a shame that Tina wasn’t more impressed than she was, but perhaps she was so overwhelmed she didn’t know what to say.

Admin:  I think girls like Tina are also a secret weakness.  She winkled a lot out of him in one night.  Such a pity she didn’t get to keep him, imagine all the romantic walks they could have had in the graveyard.

Your First Sign of Trouble, or What Did He Do That Was So Awful?

In the graveyard to dig up dear old Dad.

In the graveyard to dig up dear old Dad.

RF:  Well, I didn’t think it was so bad, but there was that small matter of hiding smuggled diamonds inside his dad’s corpse and then going out to the graveyard to retrieve them, plus a couple of previous murders.  With a hatchet.  But that was years ago and I’m sure he had his reasons!  Things could get sticky with the authorities, though.

Admin:  A: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.  B: Micky Springer was a grass. If I’ve learned anything from watching Minder it’s that grasses are frowned upon.  They don’t fare much better in New Tricks either.

RF:  And Chopper was far more competent than the average run of villains we got in “Minder”, so you’d have to be truly idiotic to grass on him.

Is He Really That Bad?  Maybe You Can Fix Him!

RF:  Uhmmm…  I rather doubt it, although it might be fun to try.  It took a shovel applied to his back to stop him last time.  Chopper seems a bit set in his ways.  Besides, I don’t think he’d be nearly as much fun if he was reformed.

Admin:  Nah, you couldn’t fix him.  You’d just have to wait for the day he finally decides to slow down and going by his pedigree that wouldn’t even happen after shuffling off the old mortal coil.

Your Foolproof Break-Up Strategy

He doesn't take rejection well.  :-(

He doesn’t take rejection well. 🙁

RF:  Hopefully Chopper would be enough of a gentleman to take “no” for an answer, but in case he didn’t, changing one’s hair colour, appearance, and name and moving to a different country might do it.  Anywhere but Spain, because he might turn up in Spain unexpectedly at some point.  If you tell him you’ve decided to change careers and become a member of the police force, that might do it, too.  Or maybe not.  No, don’t tell him that!

Admin: Just find someone younger and more orange and introduce him to her.  Problem solved.

RF:  Bwaaahh!  😀


Uncle Ebenezer Balfour
(Kidnapped, 1995)

Who Is He?

Ebenezer extends a typical greeting.

Ebenezer extends a typical greeting.

RF:  A bit of a recluse and hermit, and the former owner/occupant of Shaws.  He’s the shy and retiring type and he’s perhaps just a bit old-fashioned, too.  He hates a lot of fanfare and publicity.  You could probably just describe him as a homebody who prefers the simple life.

Admin:  He is a man who will never get a World’s Best Uncle mug for Christmas.

RF:  …unless he nicks it off some other uncle.

Current Occupation:

RF:   Given his druthers, he’d probably have preferred to stay a recluse and hermit for his entire life, but Ebenezer was forced to become roommates with his meddling nephew, Davy Balfour.  He might start blogging if it let him stay at home.

Admin:  He was a very thrifty landlord until that nephew showed up.

Why Would You Date Him in the First Place?

Ebenezer tries smizing, with mixed results

Ebenezer tries smizing, with mixed results

RF:  I suspect Admin and I might differ here, but I wouldn’t.  Not unless Sir Myles got hold of Ebenezer first and put him through a crash course in etiquette, proper comportment,  hygiene, and basic social interactions – along with burning all of his clothing and supplying him with an all-new wardrobe.  BUT…  there might be some potential buried in there somewhere.

Admin:  Oh, honestly.  All he needs is a bath.  He’s adorable.  He has that fetching stubble and beautiful voice; he enjoys a good Christian read and his mallet swinging skills let us know he has good pipes, and he’s easy to cook for which is great.  Plus, he’s loaded.  Well….was loaded.  Man, I hate Davy.  🙁

RF:  Very true, Davy threw a monkey wrench into Ebenezer’s well-honed plans.  What’s a poor, porridge-loving introvert to do?  I still think it would take more than one bath and a crash course from Sir Myles to make him presentable, though.

Admin:  Maybe a go with a sandblaster?

His Secret Passion/Hobby/Weakness?

RF:  Probably his lingering fondness for Davy’s mother, who he threw over to gain possession of Shaws.  She decided his brother, Davy’s father, was an acceptable substitute.  I also suspect that he was wanting to turn Shaws into a sanctuary for homeless spiders and dust mites.  Oh, and also gold.  Gold, gold, gold!

Admin:  He’s super thrifty.  I bet his Pinterest board is full of great recycling ideas.

RF:  And porridge!  We can’t forget porridge.  Probably lots of porridge recipes on his Pinterest as well.  Or just the same one, repeated over and over.

Admin:  It would be nice to see a Pinterest oats recipe that didn’t go overboard in ingredients.  Ebenezer gets less awful by the minute.  🙂

Your First Sign of Trouble, or What Did He Do that was So Awful?

He's pretty lively for a recluse.

He’s pretty lively for a recluse.

RF:  He’s somewhat dysfunctional when it comes to family relationships, so trying to arrange his nephew’s untimely demise via a broken staircase would be the big one there.  Although one has to admire his industriousness and sheer physical strength in attempting to get the job done.  You could also say that Shaws’ utter decrepitude is really the first sign of trouble – that and the general unfriendliness of being greeted at the door by Ebenezer’s musket.

Admin: Porridge is great for muscle recovery.  He’s proof of that.  First sign of trouble, huh?  Letting that nephew of his stay.

Is He Really That Bad?  Maybe You Can Fix Him!

RF:  See above, re: getting Sir Myles to do the fixing.  Although once the whole miserly hoarding thing is off the table, Ebenezer might be quite tolerable to be around.  No more selling relatives to pirates, either.

Admin:  If he can swing a mallet, he can swing a duster.  I’d say he’s completely fixable.

Your Foolproof Break-Up Strategy

Consoling himself with porridge.

Consoling himself with porridge.

RF:  That’s pretty easy.  Just tell him you’re giving away all his wealth to charity, plus turning Shaws into a home for penniless foundlings.  Or move in with a new spouse and a huge number of in-laws and extended relations who hate porridge and dust and like playing sea shanties at all hours of the day and night.

Admin:  I think you could just leave one day.  He’d be sad for a bit, but then he’d eat your porridge and cheer up.


Mr. Hastymite
(The December Rose, 1986)

Who Is He?

The warm and personable Mr. Hastymite.

The warm and personable Mr. Hastymite.

RF:   A mysterious figure with an unspecified, shadowy position of power in Her Majesty’s government who may or may not (psst… it’s “may”) be using his authority to steal from foreigners and dispose of them quickly.  Also a snappy dresser with immaculately groomed sideburns.  No small feat to do that when you can’t see yourself in a mirror.  And he just loves children.

Admin:  He may also be a vampire.  I just haven’t figured out he survives churches.

Current Occupation:

RF:  Uhmmm…  undetermined.  Was last seen in a rowboat  that exploded on the river, but we suspect that wasn’t nearly enough to do him in permanently.  He’s likely off regenerating somewhere quiet, where he won’t be disturbed for a decade or two.

Admin:  If Dracula can do it so can Mr. Hastymite.

Why Would You Date Him in the First Place?

RF:  I was hypnotized into it?  He is very good-looking, after all; he dresses well and has a lovely soft-spoken manner.  And those sideburns!  😉  Mr. Hastymite is also gainfully employed and likes having the good things in life, even if they have to be bought with someone else’s money.  How else is a poor, corrupt official supposed to make his way in this world?

Admin:  Those sideburns are pretty epic, aren’t they?  I wonder how he grooms them given he probably has reflection issues.

His Secret Passion/Hobby/Weakness?

Mr. Hastymite's not-so-secret secret passion

Mr. Hastymite’s not-so-secret secret passion

RF:  Mr. Hastymite likes touring churches, apparently.  😉  He’s not so fond of listening to the sermons, but I think he likes gloating in the fact that he doesn’t burst into flames as soon as he steps over the threshold.  He also has a not-so-secret passion for Lady Hobart, but luckily her husband is completely oblivious to it.

Admin:  He likes a nice quiet drink in his social club.  It is the best place for ordering hits on sweeps.

RF:  He probably had it in for other meddling urchins as well, but he certainly seemed to detest sweeps especially.

Your First Sign of Trouble, or What Did He Do that was So Awful?

RF:  Oh, just his overall murderousness, like when he instructed Inspector Creaker to “put a stop to [Barnacle’s] birthdays” after the chimney sweep/Dickensian urchin tumbled out of the Hobarts’ chimney, inadvertently overhearing a top secret conversation and stealing a valuable locket.   But maybe he meant that in a nice way, like Creaker should ensure that every single one of Barnacle’s birthdays would always be as nice as this one!  Yeah, that’s it.

Admin:  I think his connection with Lord Hobart himself would be cause for concern.  Between that old duffer and Inspector Creaker, Mr. Hastymite has terrible taste in drinking buddies.

RF:  I think he just hung around Hobart so he’d have a plausible excuse for paying lots and lots of visits (some of them late into the night) to the Hobart household.

Admin:  Oh, he’s a bad’un alright, even steals time with his best friend’s wife.

Is He Really That Bad?  Maybe You Can Fix Him!

RF:  Doubtful, unless Hastymite could be persuaded to give up his shadowy government job and take up some new, less stressful line of work.  Child-minding, perhaps.

Admin:  I’d get him involved with a bat rescue charity.

RF:  Aaaww!  😉  He probably had dozens of them recuperating at his apartment, hanging upside-down all over the lamps and things.

Your Foolproof Break-Up Strategy

Why break up when he's so charming?

Why break up when he’s so charming?

RF:  It would probably have to involve a lot of holy water and garlic.  But Hastymite can enter churches without any problems, so maybe not.  Running water doesn’t seem to bother him much, either.  Hanging around in a lot of very bright, sunny locations might do it, and remembering not to leave the window open at night.

Admin:  Or you could just send him out in a rowboat.


Balon Greyjoy
(Game of Thrones, 2012)

Who Is He?

Lord Reaper of Pyke, etc. etc.

Lord Reaper of Pyke, etc. etc.

RF:  Lord Reaper of Pyke, King of the Iron Islands, and current occupant of the Driftwood Throne.  A rebel pirate lord with… family issues and ungrateful, disappointing  children.  Well, one of them is really disappointing.  And the rest of his family is out to get him, too.

 Admin:  Also former captain of The Great Kraken and a follower of the Old Way.  So… a luddite.

RF:  And get off his lawn beach!

Current Occupation:

RF:  Lord Reaper of Pyke, King of the Iron Islands, and current occupant of the Driftwood Throne.  He’s currently trying to seize power and lands while all of the rest of the Westeros kings are fighting each other, but he’s only had small-scale success so far.  Perhaps Balon got rusty at rebelling while Theon was being held hostage for so long.

Admin:  Power sulker and grumpy dad.

RF:  But somehow still alive, which is remarkable in itself in Westeros.

Why Would You Date Him in the First Place?

"Dear KrakenKing89, I like long walks on the beach, seafood dinners by almost no candlelight, cold, damp castles..."

“Dear KrakenKing89, I like long walks on the beach,
seafood dinners by dim candlelight, cold, damp castles…”

RF:  If you like long walks on rough-hewn, cold, windy, rocky seashores where some Priest of the Drowned God might suddenly baptize you with a splash of freezing seawater, picturesque but structurally unsafe wooden bridges between towers, castles with few amenities and perpetual damp, and a steady diet of seafood, Balon’s your man.  However, there’s no denying he has a certain style, and he’d probably be willing to conquer a small village or two just for you.

Admin:  I know, his style, right?  Balon Greyjoy is so metal that he spits nails.  Like Ebenezer he has some killer stubble, but takes it even further with his glamorous hooded cloak-coat, thick boots and leather belt.  He is the original Iron Man.  And his fireplace is rad.  Balon is perfectly datable.

His Secret Passion/Hobby/Weakness?

RF:  Admin and I have long suspected that there’s a large tidal pool set aside somewhere on Pyke for orphaned squid and octopuses, and that Balon sneaks out to feed them.  We have no proof of this, of course.

Admin:  He must.  They are so cute when they are little.

Your First Sign of Trouble, or What Did He Do that was So Awful?

RF:  Besides the usual ravaging and pillaging, Balon’s rather low-key for a Westeros king.  Pretty much the worst things about him are his anti-socialness, somewhat unreasonable devotion to the old ways, and the fact he’s Theon’s dad.  However, the latter seems to be less of a problem these days.  He’s also a wee bit too involved in his work.

Admin:  A lot of people don’t like Balon because he disowned his own son, but as you say, it is all pretty low-key for a Westeros king.  Compared to some of the other guys and gals running around that place, he really isn’t bad at all.

RF:  And c’mon, does anyone really like Theon?

Admin:  Lord knows I don’t.

Is He Really That Bad?  Maybe You Can Fix Him!

He needs to get out of the Sulking Chair once in a while.

He needs to get out of the Sulking Chair once in a while.

RF:  Balon might be fixable if he agreed to retire from being king, but unfortunately Pyke doesn’t have much of a retirement plan.  It also could be a bit of work to get him to leave his Sulking Chair and interact with the world again, but he’d likely do just fine if he was back on the deck of the Great Kraken.

Admin:  Yeah, he needs to get out of that place and have Yara run things for a while.

Your Foolproof Break-Up Strategy:

RF:   I wouldn’t want to be so mean as to suggest greasing up Pyke’s bridges, because that’s a tad permanent and rather mean.  But if you were to decide to leave Balon, I doubt he’d come looking for you unless you made off with a favourite squid or two.  He’d probably just go right back to his Sulking Chair instead, and maybe secretly write some moody break-up sonnets.

Admin:  Considering his Iron wife was able to move back home with minimal fuss, I’d say that splitting up with Balon would be pretty easy.


D.S. Albert “Cheerful Charlie” Chisholm
(Minder, 1979-1988)

Who Is He?

The Old Bill's Finest:  D.S. Chisholm

The Old Bill’s Finest: D.S. Chisholm

RF:  The most cynical, world-weary, put-upon, sarcastic, underappreciated, underpaid, overworked, community policing Detective Sergeant on the Metropolitan Police force.  Frequently forced to deal with mugs and wallies, cretins, small-scale villains, incompetent minders, weasely grasses, and slightly clueless Welsh Detective Constables.

Admin:  Just imagine a cockney copper with a black raincloud over his head and you’ve got Chisholm in a nut shell.

Current Occupation:

RF:  Undetermined.  There was a rumour he quit the force and was subsequently employed as a mere security guard, but this seems highly unlikely based on his previous history.  He’s probably deep undercover for Interpol instead, working to crack an international art theft ring.

Admin:  I’m holding out hope he’ll join UCOS now that a certain “feem toon” writing/singing retired copper has handed his notice.  Just because Chisholm has a striking resemblance to that handsome Chopper fellow is no reason for him not to join the team.

Why Would You Date Him in the First Place?

RF:  Because he’s just so gosh-darned cute, as well as witty and intelligent; he seems to be concealing a surprisingly comprehensive arts and literary-oriented education.  He’s steadily employed, if perhaps a wee bit of an obsessed workaholic.  He’s also a master at non-ironic trilby-wearing and knows every  inexpensive tea and bikkie place in London.

Admin:  Agree completely.  Plus, he’s got an air of vulnerability, but not a pathetic sort, that just makes him all the more adorable.

RF:  Totally true.  And mixed with the air of vulnerability, he occasionally has surprising bursts of assertiveness just when he thinks he’s hopelessly outmatched.

Admin:  Absolutely.  I think deep down Chisholm is a brave man who wouldn’t hesitate to save innocent lives.

His Secret Passion/Hobby/Weakness?

Chisholm meets his kryptonite.

Chisholm meets his kryptonite.

RF:  He becomes alarmingly (yet charmingly) loquacious under the influence of strong drink, and is sweetly naïve when it comes to international  travel and foreign cuisine.  But I suspect all he’d really like is a little bit of recognition – and to see Arthur Daley put away for good.  And not to have to  attend any more “community policing”  seminars.

Admin:  I agree on the wanting recognition aspect.  For someone who struggles so when he’s out of his comfort zone, he  has a boyishly adventurous side that reveals itself in train and helicopter rides.

Your First Sign of Trouble, or What Did He Do that was So Awful?

Occasional bouts of social awkwardness

Occasional bouts of social awkwardness

RF:  I highly doubt Chisholm would ever do anything that awful, but I imagine anyone dating him would have to suffer through a certain amount of… social awkwardness, shall we say.  He’s devoted so much time to his job that it’s highly unlikely he’s thought much about pursuing the Fairer Sex, so some remedial education would probably be in order.  Prying him away from his job and convincing him to wear something other than a suit, tie, and that mac could get interesting, too.

Admin:  True, he is socially awkward.  But, we love that about him and pray he never goes to Terry for tips in the fine art of pulling birds. 😉   His fixation with Arthur Daley is perhaps a bit odd.

Is He Really That Bad?  Maybe You Can Fix Him!

RF:  See above, re:  remedial education.  He’d probably also have to give up the job for a completely unrelated line of work, or move somewhere with a very small constabulary where Arthur Daley would never go – the Berkshire countryside, perhaps.  It would likely be a struggle to get him to give up his set ways.  He could keep his trilby, though.  😉

Admin:  That’s right.  He would require a completely new setting.  Somewhere quaint, where his position and authority would be respected.  Ideally someplace that hasn’t yet moved on from the 1950s.

Your Foolproof Break-Up Strategy

Aaaawww, who could hurt that face.  :-(

Aaaawww, who could hurt that face. 🙁

RF:   Aaawww, I wouldn’t want to hurt Chisholm.  🙁   I think he’d be polite enough to know when he wasn’t wanted.  He might take it a little personally at first, then he’d go off and secretly write moody sonnets, like Balon.

Admin:  You just had to pick that picture of  him pouting. 😉  It makes the question very difficult to answer, but I think it would involve blaming Daley.

RF:  Oh yes, I had to use that picture.  😀  Arthur seemed to have no problem arranging break-ups for Terry, so no doubt he’d be fine doing the same to Chisholm.  But I still wouldn’t want to do it.


So, Who’s the Most Awful Boyfriend of Them All?

"I'm nae that bad, I swear!"

“I’m nae that bad, I swear!”

RF:  Well…  I’m sorry, Admin, but I’m going to have to go with Ebenezer on this one.  🙁  Just too much reclamation work required, even if he could be taught to make eye contact,  do dusting, eat other foods besides porridge, and change his clothes (and wig!) once in a while.  I just have the dreadful premonition that he’d backslide into his old ways at the slightest provocation.  His devotion to Davy’s mother was pretty sweet though, and he did seem to appreciate literature as well as the value of a shilling, so maybe he’s not entirely hopeless.

He doesn't look at all sinister.

It is like pure evil grew arms and legs and then joined a Victorian gentleman’s club.

Admin:  Yeah, well that just means more Ebenezer for me then. 😉  My choice for Most Awful is Mr. Hastymite.  He is crazy gorgeous with his goth style, but honestly ordering hits on kiddies, even painfully irritating ones like Barnacle, just takes the whole evil thing a titch bit too far.  Off to the bad boyfriend heap with you, Hastymite.

RF:  And there you have them!  Our picks for Awful Boyfriends.  🙂

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