Malahide Characters’ Ideal Christmas

As we approach Christmas, RFodchuk and I thought it would be fun to think about what sort of Christmas activities and traditions our favourite Patrick Malahide characters might indulge in.  Are they as jolly and loving as Saint Nick himself or perhaps they might be a little closer to the Grinch.  We shall see.

Admin:  My choices are….

Lord Glendenning
(“The Paradise”, 2012)

What Type of Christmas Party Does He Throw?

Patrick Malahide as Lord Glendenning in The Paradise

What might be a nice little Christmas get together.

Making this guy squirm will get you a Christmas bonus.

Being lord of the manor and a very important and influential member of the community, Lord Glendenning likely hosts multiple parties. He might be expected to help fund and participate in a boisterous event for local children, but you know he would make sure that such an event would be held on the The Paradise floors while he takes as much credit as possible. No reason why his estate should risk ruination when Moray has a perfectly good department store to destroy.

But, his main party, the one he hosts on his own estate, would be a stately affair with sumptuous food, decadent desserts and the finest booze. He’d have all his nearest and dearest around with special care taken to ensure there are guests who would be certain to say something to embarrass Moray and cause him as much discomfort as possible.

What is His Favorite Christmas Tradition?

Hopefully not this pudding. Source: Tower Project Blog

Lord Glendenning seems like the sort who loves the traditional Christmas pudding the best. You know, the kind filled up with little trinkets, charms and coins. While not an especially greedy man (for a banker at any rate) Lord G. probably appreciates the value of silver coins especially when found by a small child. And you know he is generous enough to provide a cake that is absolutely riddled with treasures.

We know he used to “hypnotize” Katherine when she was small with his lovely pocket watch, so he clearly has a way of attaching sentimentality to objects. He can probably invent a fantastic tale connected to each  found object without hesitation to the delight of all the young treasure hunting guests.

What Would Be Under His Tree?

Well, I know what I would want to put under his tree: Two one-way tickets to Paris made out to Katherine Glendenning and any random spinster/widowed aunt brave enough to make the trip with her. That way, Lord G. could have stayed home where he’d have remained safe and sound and ready to save Series 2 from itself.

Mark Bonnar as Peter Adler in The Paradise

Why would anyone prefer Moray over this guy?

I suppose what Lord G. would have personally liked, though, would have been to find Peter Adler there with an engagement ring for Katherine. Honestly, that would have been just as good. Mark Bonnar was excellent in the role. I would have loved to have seen him as Lord G’s son-in-law/surrogate son. Maybe what we really needed was a coupon to Specsavers under Katherine’s tree because Adler was rich, philanthropic, and seriously cute.

What Does He Give as Stocking-Stuffers?

Money saving coupons (“Buy one Myrtle Cake, get a free sick bucket.”) for all his favorite shops on Tollgate Street where he holds the fee simple, and a piggy bank for anyone who opens an account with his bank.

What Does He Leave Out for Santa?

Patrick Malahide as Lord Glendenning in the Paradise

Gotta protect Santa!

He’d leave the traditional stuff, of course. A small glass of port (can’t have Santa flying too drunk) and a few mince pies. Yum!

He might also leave a bird hunting guidebook to help out just in case Santa runs into a flock of rogue geese while in the air.  Lord G. has a thing for shooting innocent birds from the sky.  It is one of his few flaws, actually.

What Is His Favourite Christmas Drink/Treat?

Patrick Malahide: Lord Glendenning, The Paradise

Brandy makes him sentimental.

Lord Glendenning loves his brandy. It is a warm commiserating drink, ideal for soothing the soul of a widowed gentleman as he shares a litany of past regrets regarding the upbringing of his only daughter. There must be something about holding the old brandy snifter that just makes him get a bit sentimental.

 

Robert Dangerfield
(“Blackheath Poisonings”, 1992)

What Type of Christmas Party Does He Throw?

At least they got the “merry gentlemen” part down pat.

The very best and most lavish party he can throw as long as it is paid for by the Collards/Vandervents. It would have all the best food, drinks (a lot of them), and, of course, several high-stakes gaming tables. There would be no innocent and friendly games of Whist at his do, but if you’re willing to pony up for some serious poker (and willing to take an IOU should Robert lose too many hands) then there will be a space open for you.

What is His Favorite Christmas Tradition?

He’s so Christmassy.

Mr. Dangerfield as his name implies isn’t really one for such sentimental things as Christmas tradition.  He probably finds them all pretty boring and trivial, actually.   But, if there is one thing he likes, I’m pretty sure it involves mistletoe, the favorite holiday plant of any incalcitrant adventurer worth his salt.

What Would Be Under His Tree?

Dangerfield would like to have a contract guaranteeing him complete control of the family toy business, allowing him to have free reign to indulge in any expansion he sees fit. If he can’t have that, I think he’d also like a one-way ticket back to India with enough gold sovs to start a new tea plantation.

What Does He Give as Stocking-Stuffers?

“Merry Christmas! Look at what I got you.”

IOUs, mash letters, and nosegays past their sell-by date.

What Does He Leave Out for Santa?

A long, long list of all the extra goodies he wants along with a half-drunk bottle of whiskey he filched from the pantry.

What Is His Favourite Christmas Drink/Treat?

Only the best for our Robert.

I think there might be a theme here, but Robert probably likes really expensive port that he didn’t pay for. He doesn’t strike me as a big snacker, but again he probably likes the finest things paid for by his new family, though I think he’d rather have a really nice cigar than a snack anytime.

 

 

 

RF: And my choices are…

Alfred Jingle
(“The Pickwick Papers“, 1985)

What Type of Christmas Party Does He Throw?

Getting ready to crash a party in borrowed duds.

Getting ready to crash a party in borrowed duds.

He doesn’t, although he’s more than happy to crash yours, or anyone else’s in the near vicinity, as long as there’s free booze and food on offer.   He’s so good at crashing parties that he’s practically made it into an art form.  However, it must be said that he’s one of the most entertaining, charming guests you’re ever likely to have, whether you invited him or not (usually not), even if you end up missing some silverware afterwards.   Hmmm…  actually, if there are any young, pretty heiresses (or even old, unattractive ones) at your party, you might want to keep an eye on them as well, because he’s not above stealing fiancées as well as cutlery or hors d’oeuvres.

What is His Favourite Christmas Tradition?

Very dramatically.

Putting on a dramatic performance

Besides crashing parties?   Probably seeing the Christmas pudding doused with brandy and lit, because then it’s dark in the room and he can do a bit of careful pick-pocketing, or perhaps some clandestine hand-holding with one of those heiresses.  Or he can go through the Christmas stockings and filch out any of the really good items for himself.    On the less venal side, if there’s any dancing, he’d enjoy that as well – plus it gives him more chances to beguile that heiress and perhaps whisk her under the mistletoe.  But Mr. Jingle is also a performer at heart, and he could probably be easily persuaded to do a dramatic scene or two, which would probably have all the ladies weeping into their hankies in no time.

What Would Be Under His Tree?

Showing off some new duds as Capt. Charles Fitz-Marshall

Showing off some new duds as Capt. Charles Fitz-Marshall

He wouldn’t have a tree, but he’d be perfectly happy to nick whatever’s lying around under your tree.    Ideally, it would be a set (or two) of perfectly tailored, impressive new clothes, including shirts and socks without holes, a nice, new undented topper, and a frock coat without frayed, threadbare patches that actually fits him.  And perhaps a nice, new captain’s uniform so he can go back to impersonating Captain Charles Fitz-Marshall, and a “Get Out of Jail Free” card for himself and Job if/when the Peelers catch up to him again and throw him back in the Fleet.  But if none of that is available, he’ll take cash.

What Does He Give as Stocking Stuffers?

He's never going to pay Tuppy back.

He’s never going to pay Tuppy back.

I’d say Jingle is more inclined to take rather than give stocking stuffers.  But if he left anything, it would probably be a note saying that the cellar is all out of wine, brandy, and port, he’s borrowed the carriage to go to London, he’s planning to marry your sister, he’s taken the leftovers from Christmas dinner, and he’ll send back Tuppy’s £10 just as soon as he possibly can, really.  For sure this time.

 

What Does He Leave Out for Santa?

An empty glass and plate.  The cellar is all out of wine, port, and brandy, remember?  Plus he didn’t want to get peckish on the way back to London.

What Is His Favourite Christmas Drink/Treat?

The best drink is the one you didn't pay for

The best drink is the one you didn’t pay for

I don’t think he’s picky, as long as he doesn’t have to pay for it.  But if he’s mooching, he’s going to mooch the best.  Like Robert Dangerfield, he’s developed expensive tastes.  And the same for Christmas meals; I think Jingle likes to stock up when he can, because he never knows when his next one is going to be.  All the more reason for him to keep charming those heiresses.

 

Professor Fisher
(“The 39 Steps“, 2008)

What Type of Christmas Party Does he Throw?

A wee bit annoyed at having to deal with party crashers.

A wee bit annoyed at having to deal with party crashers.

A great, big expensive one.  Perhaps a little too expensive for a modestly employed professor, but then again, he does live in a castle.  So he’s got lots of guest rooms and can afford to have a big guest list.  He is a bit touchy about anyone going down into the cellars, though – but that’s probably because he doesn’t want anyone disturbing the wine in his wine cellar.  However, one should note he does get annoyed if you crash his parties and go snooping around his house.

What Is His Favourite Christmas Tradition?

So <i>that's</i> where Professor Fisher stores his Christmas crackers!

So that’s where Professor Fisher stores his
Christmas crackers!

Probably pulling Christmas crackers… except that his have a lot more *BANG!* than one might expect.  He would also have the servants lavishly decorate the castle from top to bottom, and have the tallest tree in the forest cut down and set up in the foyer.  There might be a lot of German-speaking guests milling around as well, but don’t pay that any mind.

What Would Be Under His Tree?

He really needs that outboard motor.

He really needs that outboard motor.

Blueprints for a much faster submarine and biplane, the résumés of a new batch of henchmen, an outboard motor for his escape rowboat, construction plans for patching up that nasty hole Richard Hannay left in his wall, and a complete set of British naval plans, so he won’t have to go through all this trouble next time.  Oh, and mass civil unrest would be nice too, but a supervillain can’t have everything (at least, not right away).

What Does He Give as Stocking Stuffers?

Hannay and Victoria must have complained about their stocking stuffers.

Hannay and Victoria must have complained about their
stocking stuffers.

If he likes you, coupons for free rides in his biplane and/or submarine, or perhaps a weekend stay in his castle (in a wing away from that nasty hole in the wall).  If he doesn’t like you, the pliers he’s going to use to tear out your fingernails during your short stay in his oubliette.  😮  It’s really best not to get on his bad side.

What Does He Leave Out for Santa?

"Now then, Santa, about those British naval plans."

“Now then, Santa, about those British naval plans.”

Professor Fisher is probably quite nice to Santa, especially since he wants a new biplane and submarine.  So I’d say he’d leave a snifter of some very nice cognac along with a big piece of home-made Baumkuchen or maybe some Dominosteine (which sound delicious, by the way).  Perhaps a cigar, too, if he’s feeling especially generous.

What is His Favourite Christmas Drink/Treat?

Preparing to light his Feuerzangenbowle with secret papers

Preparing to light his Feuerzangenbowle with secret papers.

Well, secret British naval plans, obviously,  But if he can’t have those, he’d probably enjoy a mug of Glühwein, just the thing for those cold trips back to Germany in a damp, crowded submarine.  Or in the tradition of setting things on fire (which is kind of why he’s in Scotland in the first place), he might enjoy Feuerzangenbowle as well.  Heck, he can even use his secret documents to set the brew alight and kill two birds with one stone.  He’s very efficient that way.

Who Would You Rather Spend Christmas With?

Patrick Malahide: Lord Glendenning, The Paradise S01E08

Lord Glendenning, made for Christmas cheer.

Admin: Well, although there are some very fun picks here, my choice is easy.  It has to be Lord Glendenning.  Of course, I’d throw in the proviso that Katherine and Moray are well out of the way, of course.   We don’t want those two drama queens cramping the Christmas style.

Lord Glendenning is the one who would offer up the most traditional and coziest Christmas, and he’d be an incredibly charming and attractive host.  Who wouldn’t want to spend Christmas in his company?  So open the presents, pass the mince pies, break out the port and toast to Lord G., the King of Christmas.

If he's this happy about a wedding breakfast, just imagine him at a Christmas feast!

If he’s this happy about a wedding breakfast,
just imagine him at a Christmas feast!

RF:  I have to agree with Admin.  While the other gentlemen are all entertaining in their own way, one would probably have the best time at Belleville Hall with Lord Glendenning – although as per Admin’s proviso, I wouldn’t want to run into Katherine or Moray, either.  But given Lord G’s sheer delight at the prospect of a wedding breakfast, I can only imagine that he truly pulls out all the stops for a Christmas feast.  It would be great to see him all dressed  up in white tie and tails for the occasion.  And there’s the possibility one might be able to catch Peter Adler on the rebound.  😉

 

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